I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I need to align my fucking chakras
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
