Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize