Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
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