One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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