my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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