I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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