96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
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