i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
