@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
