y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
