you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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