No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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