So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
