I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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