i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
