I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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