ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
