sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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