eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
