Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
