Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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