So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
