I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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