My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
