1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize