Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
