Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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