Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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