How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
