I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
