so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
