for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
