i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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