Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
