Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Hippo gnu deer
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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