Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
