He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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