Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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