I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
