Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
