After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
