When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
