Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
