I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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