Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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