Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
