why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize