I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
