Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
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