I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
