party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
