getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
