I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
