So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
