If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
